I tried several times to write in January and just could not do it. I think I just could not find the words to describe how I am feeling. It’s a new year…a year that I will not spend any of it with Brian. Brian is not in 2016…not in the pictures, not in the experiences, not even in the memories. He is not going to be a part of 2016 and I don’t know how to even begin to process that realization. How can there be a year without him? I wonder how this is possible…a year without him.
And yet, while I still miss him with every fiber of my being there are now days that go by that I go about my new life without the constant heavy weight of my grief. I get up, drink coffee, go to work, come home, eat supper with Jake, shower, and go to bed…all without feeling as if my world is shattered. While I do not find that I particularly enjoy this new life at this point, I find that I don’t spend every waking moment praying that it will be back the way it was. Yes, I wish my life had not been broken…yes, I would do almost anything to have Brian back…but I am beginning to see that this new life will have moments of joy. Watching Jake grow into such a loving, generous, Christian man is now my reason for being. There are so many times I see and hear Brian’s influence…when he holds a door for a disabled man, when he takes the trash out without being asked or gives a stranger a gift for no reason! He has so much of Brian’s quiet love for other people! I realize that Brian has a tremendous legacy through our son and for that I am so thankful.
The tough part of this new year is the sheer feeling of being overwhelmed dealing with life. I am so used to being part of a pair…a couple…a team! I always (and since we were high school sweethearts, I do mean always) had an extra pair of hands, someone to make decisions with, someone to split the duties of life with! I never, ever understood how difficult being a single parent could be. How lonely, scary and exhausting it is! I thank God for both Brian’s parents and my own parents for all they do for me! The simple logistics they help me with is astounding and I am so blessed that they love me enough to help me when I need help. I thank God for friends…old and new…that understand me where I am. They listen to me and support me and allow me to feel my sorrows, my successes and my fears!
Jeremiah 17:7,8 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
I read this verse and I feel as if I was ripped out of the ground and replanted in a new and strange place. My roots are not deep and certainly not strong but Jeremiah reminds me that I need remain where God has planted me. I need to trust His love and I will begin to grow roots…I will begin to have green leaves and just as a tree, someday I will begin to bear fruit again and feel fulfilled. I am not very strong or straight right now but rather feel like a young sapling battered by the wind but I pray that my God will help me grow stronger in this new year.